Sex Addiction Counseling for Partners or Spouses

As a betrayed partner or spouse of a sex addict, you may be suffering from trauma, grief, and intense pain for which therapy is advised so that you may begin your own healing process. 

The discovery of a partner's betrayal is often devastating. You feel like you have been sucker punched in the gut and you can't catch your breath. Whether you have been married one month, one year, 10 years, or 40 years, it is devastating, because the illusion of what you had... has changed forever. You must be asking yourself, what can I believe, and more importantly what can I do to regain a feeling of safety and stability.

Maybe you saw his phone come up with some texts that were totally inappropriate. Maybe you had something come up on your computer that absolutely floored you. Maybe somebody called you and told you that your partner was acting out. You are likely going through a lot of emotional reactions as a result of finding out that your partner has betrayed you. You may be experiencing panic attacks, generalized anxiety, or intense anger. Your heart may be racing, you may be trembling, you may not be able to sleep. When this kind of information is discovered, your central nervous system goes into overload, which then sends all sorts of chemicals to the brain. Then you go into self-protection. Am I going to fight, am I going to flee, not fight, or am I going to freeze and not do anything, because I don't know what to do?

You want to tell the world, you want to tell his family, you want to let everybody know how he has betrayed you, yet there is a part of you that doesn't want to talk about it to others, because you don't want them to hate him or judge you. So, you're protecting him, and you're wanting to expose him at the same time. It is normal to feel this way. This is the dilemma of discovery. You experience so many paradoxes of what to do. 

Association of Partners of Sex Addicts Trauma Specialists (APSATS) trained clinicians have worked with thousands of partners of sex addicts and know it is a priority to take good care of yourself and to find a therapist and a support group who can help you through this difficult time, to ensure your safety and your sanity.

There is much you can do to navigate through this ordeal. There are great resources. There are plenty of books.  There are many programs out there to help you with the discovery of your partner's betrayal. I know that you did not contribute to your partner's addiction...your feelings are the byproduct of his sexual addiction.  This shouldn't be happening to you, you didn't ask for it, you didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you certainly can't control it, but you feel as if it is controlling you.

You are likely asking yourself, "What do I need to feel safe and comfortable again and who can I talk to that won't judge me or my partner, and will stay neutral and just hold my feelings for me."

As an experienced therapist with specific training in partner betrayal, I will help you sort through your feelings, find your voice, develop good boundaries, keep yourself safe, and work with you to know how and when you are ready to create changes. Maybe that will mean asking for a therapeutic separation, maybe you will ask your partner to work on his recovery from his sex addiction with a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT), then you may both decide to go to couples therapy, maybe you will go to your trusted religious or spiritual leaders and talk with him or her...I can help you make that next move based on who you are, how you feel, and when you are ready to voice what you need.

What I know is that nobody should be telling you what to do. That needs to come from you, yet right now you may be so flooded with feelings and emotions that you are on overload. You may feel "shell shocked" and in need an expert to help you unravel your feelings. I can help you to acknowledge and process your feelings and to grieve your losses.

I am here to help.

Through sex addiction counseling specifically designed to help you as the betrayed partner of a sex addict, I can help you:

• Perform an honest assessment of the issues in your relationship in order to obtain health and wellness in your relationship and life once again
• Develop skills to help you recognize triggers that your partner may be engaging in addictive behavior so that you may help prevent a relapse from occurring
• Identify maladaptive behaviors and to explore healthier coping strategies
• Restore your feelings of trust in your own abilities
• Explore and prepare for the next steps in your own recovery

This is the time to be gentle and patient with yourself and to be in a supportive environment in which you feel safe and comfortable expressing even the most difficult of emotions. Partners intense feelings of terror, anxiety, helplessness, and hopelessness in coping with their painful situations mirror those of people who have survived violent assaults and other kinds of psychological traumas. Through education, exploration, and self-examination recovery is possible. 

Co-Addiction vs Trauma
It was the 12-step model that birthed the widely held view that partners of sex addicts suffer from their own disease, the disease of co-addiction. Many partners do not find the help they need within the 12-step process alone to move beyond their raw traumatic pain.

When the attachment bond has been violated and broken you have a relational trauma wound. When that happens all the warmth, safety, joy, and comfort that the relationship formally held can no longer be counted on. The relationship now becomes a source of danger because you have discovered that much of what you believed about the one you love was a lie.

We now know that the body's response to stress and trauma involves hormones and inflammatory chemicals which can foster everything from headaches to heart attacks, particularly in chronically traumatic lives. When you suffer from trauma symptoms you will likely find it impossible to control thoughts, feelings, and relational interactions as prescribed in codependency and 12-step literature unless you receive help to heal from the trauma.

As an experienced therapist trained in partner betrayal, I can help you heal.

Adapted from APSATS Board Member Carol Juergensen Sheets LCSW, PCC, CSAT, CPPS A Partners Dilemma- Carol The Coach

• Obsessed with the addict and his or her behavior
• Enmeshed with the addict
• Enabling the addiction
• Trying to control the addict’s thinking and behavior
• Making the problem worse

1. Want to care for others
2. Have a need to feel needed
3. Confuse caring with enabling
4. Feel responsible for the suffering of others
5. Feel guilty if they do not help others
6. Feel attracted to someone in need of help
7. Rescue the helpless, back the underdog
8. Be enraged by uncaring attitudes of others
9. Believe others cannot care for themselves
10. Do more than their fair share of work
11. Do favours they dislike doing
12. Control others to maintain secrecy
13. Have a need to please other people
14. Maintain own self-esteem with good deeds
15. Value other peoples’ good opinions of them
16. Suppress, avoid talk about their own feelings
17. Avoid showing their own true emotions
18. Deny, cover up, downplay their problems
19. Tell lies to protect an erring person
20. Avoid attention and help from others
21. Advise others and focus on their problems
22. Appear to be competent and self-reliant
23. Do things perfectly to earn approval
24. Project a successful, happy image
25. Isolate themselves and feel lonely
26. Communicate indirectly, through others
27. Do not know how to set boundaries
28. Become the family guardian
29. Vigilant, careful not to expose evidence
30. Take over the abuser’s obligations
31. Neglect their own personal needs
32. Fear failure and resist change
33. Fear being alone, losing intimate partner
34. Fear damaging a loving bond, relationship
35. Avoid criticising, distancing their partner
36. Depend on a partner for financial survival
37. Fear punishment by an angry partner
38. Feel negative and positive about the abuser
39. Need constant reassurance, fear criticism
40. Blame themselves for others’ problems
41. Have low self-esteem, feel undeserving
42. Experience shame, distrust, insecurity
43. Feel angry, victimized, unappreciated, used
44. Feel helpless, unhappy, depressed, anxious
45. Get emotionally, mentally, physically ill
46. Transfer codependency to their children