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Help.Her.Heal

Help Her Heal: An Empathy Workbook for Sex Addicts to Help their Partners Heal

Carol Juergenen Sheets and Allan J. Katz have created a workbook/roadmap for rebuilding relationships damaged by sexual addiction and other forms of infidelity. With a focus on empathy – understanding what the betrayed partner is feeling; the exercises in this guidebook will help sex addicts rebuild lost trust and intimacy. This is a recipe for healing a broken relationship.

From the book Help.Her.Heal by Carol Juergensen Sheets and Allan J. Katz  


EMPATHY: RECOGNIZING THE PAIN YOUR ACTIONS HAVE CAUSED. 

THE AVR FORMULA©

Betrayed Partners consistently tell me that they want their unfaithful partners to understand the depths and devastation of their pain. Although the sex addicted partner is living with the pain that they have caused daily, part of the betrayed partners healing process is to be reminded that the unfaithful partner sees the pain and recognizes that his behaviors caused it. This process must happen consistently for the betrayed partner to feel safe enough to trust the recovery process. Betrayed partners want to believe that you, will never do this again, but there is no guarantee. The heart wants to trust you, but the head and experience is telling them it is not safe to be this vulnerable, so they keep their guard up and look for reasons to reject your attempts at honesty and authenticity. This is going to require that you consistently practice empathy in all sorts of ways.

Using AVR assures betrayed partners that you are connecting your previous actions to their feelings. It also reminds them of what you are going to do to rebuild their foundation of safety.
Often in therapy, the addicts need a formula to help them respond to betrayed partners in a way that shows that they realize the damage that they have caused and how their sexual addiction has affected their partners.

We have been trained to know that the quickest way that addicts can redeem themselves and prove to their partners that they will do whatever it takes 
to build the trust back is to recognize the betrayed partners pain and remind them that they know they caused it. It is then important for them to validate their partners feelings and make sure they can assess their feelings appropriately and then to reassure them that they will do whatever it takes to rebuild the confidence they once had in them.

RESOURCE - UNDERSTANDING BETRAYAL TRAUMA: Choosing Change_ Understanding and Empathizing with Survivors of Betrayal Trauma.pdf

CHAPTER 5: EMPATHY, THE BUILDING BLOCK OF TRUST

THE AVR FORMULA©

ACKNOWLEDGING THE ISSUE: Practicing AVR requires that you acknowledge the situation and accompanying pain.

VALIDATION OF HER FEELINGS USING THE FIVE PRIMARY FEELINGS: I can see as you discuss that issue that you feel (Anger, Sadness, Loneliness, Happiness or Fear.)

REASSURANCE THAT YOU WILL HELP HER HEAL: I want you to know that I am working on my recovery skills, and I never want to go back to that old addict behavior again.





RESOURCES:

PODCASTS: 


1. Helping Couples Heal Podcast Episode 27 - PACT Therapy, Attachment and Betrayal Trauma with Stan Tatkin - In this episode of the Helping Couples Heal podcast, Marnie and Duane talk with Stan Tatkin - clinician, researcher, teacher, and developer of the psychobiological approach to couple therapy (PACT) neuroscience and the role of attachment theory in healing betrayal and relational trauma. Please listen carefully to every word of this interview if you are someone who has betrayed your partner and can't understand why she is as traumatized as she is by your betrayal. CLICK HERE TO LISTEN TO THIS PODCAST EPISODE

2. Sexual Addiction: Strength/Hope/Recovery Podcast - Sex Help with Carol the Coach - The Betrayal Bind with Carol the Coach - Betrayed partners need immediate support to navigate the new terrain of their relationship. They need a clear articulation of betrayal trauma, a thorough education about their normal attachment-based reactions, and a proven path to healing.⁠ Today, Carol the Coach is interviewing Michelle Mays LPC, CSAT-S, who is an expert at helping partners work through sexual betrayal. An expert in the field, her new book clearly delineates how partners can heal and find their life again or perhaps for the very first time. The Betrayal Bind: How to Heal When the Person You Love the Most Hurts You the Worst offers a new exploration into an an age-old problem. In addition to sharing her own personal experience with recovery and renewal after betrayal, her new book offers a well-grounded process for healing and restoration and a clear step-by-step path for moving forward. The Betrayal Bind is a must-read for the betrayed, the betrayer, and the therapists who treat them.

3. Sexual Addiction: Strength/Hope/Recovery Podcast - Sex Help with Carol the Coach - Thriving, Not Just Surviving: Possibilities for Love with Carol the Coach - Carol the Coach believes that couples can get through partner betrayal  and find post traumatic growth. Today, she interviews authors Joanna and Matt Raabsmith who along with Dan Drake, wrote Building True Intimacy:Creating a Connection that Stands the Test of Time. In this book they describe about how couples can navigate some of the later stages of betrayal recovery as a team. Their roadmap helps a couple tackle issues like forgiveness and grieving, sexual reintegration, and building a thriving partnership. Using the skills and framework of the Intimacy Pyramid they will share how couples can work through some of the obstacles to full healing in their recovery journey. They have lived this journey and now they want you to find restoration too!

4. Sexual Addiction: Strength/Hope/Recovery Podcast - Sex Help with Carol the Coach - Complex Partner Trauma with Carol the Coach - Today, Carol the Coach is talking to Hope Ray, the founder of the Betrayal Violence Institute. Hope has created new terminology and conceptionalization for professionals and couples when complex partner trauma and betrayal violence has been identified. She has created hope  for society to better understand betrayal violence starting with the experieences of women in relationship with men who betray and lie about the addiction. In this interview you will hear Hope discuss why she feels that a better understanding of betrayal violence will help protect and manage the relationship in a more clearly defined way. She hopes that it will develop an awareness of how to create more safety, boundaries and assertiveness.

5. Healing from Betrayal Trauma With Michelle Mays - The Healing Trauma Podcast - On today's episode I am joined with Michelle Mays. Michelle Mays is a Licensed Professional Counselor and expert in treating sexual betrayal and trauma. She's also the author of the book The Betrayal Bind: How to Heal When the Person You Love the Most Has Hurt You the Worst. She reveals the depth of the devastating dilemma that betrayed partners face when their significant other is unsafe to connect with, yet connection is the key to healing.
Michelle looks at betrayal through the lens of attachment, as our attachment system is the very thing that connects us with anyone in our lives, and how betrayal causes a break in the attachment bond to the person we are closest with, shattering trust, and leaving a betrayed partner feeling unsafe and violated.


6. Journals of a Love Addict Podcast - All about Betrayal Trauma with Michelle Mays - We might think we know the meaning of the term "betrayal",  but what actually happens when we're truly betrayed by the person closest to us? In this episode, Jodi talks with therapist and betrayal trauma expert, Michelle Mays, about the complexity of this relational trauma, as well as recovery resources. Jodi also discusses her new awareness of the role that betrayal played in her love addiction.



LEARN MORE
Click HERE to visit our WHAT IS SEX ADDICTION page
Click HERE to visit our FORMAL DISCLOSURE FOR SEX ADDICTS page
Click HERE to visit our POLYGRAPH INFORMATION page
Click HERE to visit our INTENSIVE TREATMENT CENTERS page
Click HERE to visit our ENMESHMENT page 

Click HERE to visit our NEURODIVERSITY page




Contact

Susan Zola, LCSW, CCPS, CSAT

T: 631-332-2213
E: suezola@me.com
Licensed In: Arizona, Connecticut, Florida, Maine, Massachusetts, New Hampshire, South Carolina Out-of-State Independent Social Worker Telehealth Provider, New Jersey, New York, Texas, and Virginia

Credentials

Bachelor of Arts, Psychology – SUNY Binghamton, 1980
Master of Social Work – Adelphi University School of Social Work, 1982.
Private Practice – "Mind Over Matters," 2006.
LCSW License #078530-1
APSATS The Association of Partners of Sex Addicts Trauma Specialists
CSAT
Certified Sex Addiction Therapist
IITAP
The International Institute for Trauma and Addiction Professionals
CCPS
Certified Clinical Partner Specialist

Healing Sex Addiction

Susan Zola, LCSW, CCPS, CSAT
631-332-2213
suezola@me.com
Licensed In: Arizona, Connecticut, Florida, Maine, Massachusetts, New Hampshire, South Carolina Out-of-State Independent Social Worker Telehealth Provider, New Jersey, New York, Texas, and Virginia

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