From the book Help.Her.Heal by Carol Juergensen Sheets and Allan J. Katz  

EMPATHY: RECOGNIZING THE PAIN YOUR ACTIONS HAVE CAUSED. 

THE AVR FORMULA©

Betrayed Partners consistently tell me that they want their unfaithful partners to understand the depths and devastation of their pain. Although the sex-addicted partner is living with the pain that they have caused daily, part of the betrayed partner’s healing process is to be reminded that the unfaithful partner sees the pain and recognizes that his behaviors caused it. This process must happen consistently for the betrayed partner to feel safe enough to trust the recovery process. Betrayed partners want to believe that you, will never do this again, but there is no guarantee. The heart wants to trust you, but the head and experience is telling them it is not safe to be this vulnerable, so they keep their guard up and look for reasons to reject your attempts at honesty and authenticity. This is going to require that you consistently practice empathy in all sorts of ways.

Using AVR assures betrayed partners that you are connecting your previous actions to their feelings. It also reminds them of what you are going to do to rebuild their foundation of safety.
Often in therapy, the addicts need a formula to help them respond to betrayed partners in a way that shows that they realize the damage that they have caused and how their sexual addiction has affected their partners.

We have been trained to know that the quickest way that addicts can redeem themselves and prove to their partner’s that they will do whatever it takes 
to build the trust back is to recognize the betrayed partners pain and remind them that they know they caused it. It is then important for them to validate their partner’s feelings and make sure they can assess their feelings appropriately and then to reassure them that they will do whatever it takes to rebuild the confidence they once had in them.

RESOURCE – THE COUPLES AVR FORMULA WORKSHEET FROM CAROL THE COACH:

CHAPTER 5: EMPATHY, THE BUILDING BLOCK OF TRUST

THE AVR FORMULA©

ACKNOWLEDGING THE ISSUE: Practicing AVR requires that you acknowledge the situation and accompanying pain.

VALIDATION OF HER FEELINGS USING THE FIVE PRIMARY FEELINGS: I can see as you discuss that issue that you feel (Anger, Sadness, Loneliness, Happiness or Fear.)

REASSURANCE THAT YOU WILL HELP HER HEAL: I want you to know that I am working on my recovery skills, and I never want to go back to that old addict behavior again.

HELP. THEM. HEAL RESOURCES

1. Help.Her.Heal Workbook by Carol Juergensen Sheets, LCSW, CSAT, CCPS, PCC and Allan J. Katz, LPC, CSAT – “Carol Juergensen Sheets and Allan J. Katz have created a workbook/road map for rebuilding relationships damaged by sexual addiction and other forms of infidelity.  With a focus on empathy – understanding what the betrayed partner is feeling; the exercises in this guidebook will help sex addicts rebuild lost trust and intimacy.  This is a recipe for healing a broken relationship.”
2. Help.Them.Heal by Carol Juergensen Sheets, LCSW, CSAT, CCPS, PCC – A Guidebook to Help You Heal Together – In Help.Them.Heal, Carol provides a roadmap for couples to find their way back to each other after partner betrayal. Using empathy as the key, this workbook is a practical approach for couples seeking to heal their relationship, to support addicts on the road to recovery, and to help partners heal from the trauma inflicted upon them. 
3. Transformations: A Women’s Journey of Self-Discovery by Carol Juergensen Sheets, LCSW, CSAT, CCPS, PCC and Christine Turo-Shields, ACSW, LCSW, LCAC – With this workbook, you have everything you need to create lasting transformation.We believe that within yourself, you possess everything you need to change your life. However, there may be obstacles which are holding you back from realizing your own potential. This book will help you unlock your personal power and make the necessary changes to create the life you envision and deserve.Transformations provides therapeutically sound methods of promoting self-growth and change.
4. Unleashing Your Power: Moving Through the Trauma of Partner Betrayal by Carol Juergensen Sheets, LCSW, CSAT, CCPS, PCC and Christine Turo-Shields, ACSW, LCSW, LCAC – This workbook was written to assist partners in finding themselves again after their relationship has been shattered by sexual betrayal. Best-selling author, Carol Juergensen Sheets, co-wrote this book with Christine Turo-Shields to help partners move through the 3 stages of partner betrayal. The workbook will assist you in finding safety and stabilization by working through your feelings of confusion, disorientation and self-doubt which is a natural by-product of deception.
5. Helping Couples Heal From Infidelity and Find Love Again by Carol Juergensen Sheets, LCSW, CSAT, CCPS, PCC – This book is for couples who have experienced infidelity and want a roadmap for how to process the pain, understand how this could have happened to them and work through the betrayal so that they can rebuild the connection and create a bond that will move them into post-traumatic growth.
6. Carol The Coach – Help Them Heal Website – “Helping Couples Heal, The ERCEM Way – For couples seeking empathy based recovery. Learn how to navigate these rough waters and move forward in developing a new life. The life you deserve to live. Let us help you both heal.”